| I'm late this year. Whatever. |
[06 Dec 2009|08:35pm] |
Ladies and Gentlemen,
The Christmas party is in but two weeks. In the spirit of this beauteous season, people from all religious denominations, faiths, creeds and partisan groups to celebrate the birth of Santa. It is a long standing American tradition, going back through the generations, and here, it is my job to see it through. What is that tradition? Giftmas, the time of year where senselessly purchasing things you do not need for people you do not like is not just accepted, but expected.
To keep it short and sweet: It's Secret Santa time.
I will give you the same rules that I give every year:
1. Gifts must cost under $25, exclusive of wrapping.
2. If you signed up, you must give a gift. If you do not, you will not receive your gift. Since I've kept track of who has who, you're not getting away with anything.
3. The gift selection was done at complete random - I used an online number generator. If you don't like who you're getting a gift for, you still must get them something, and it cannot be mean.
4. No political, religious, or otherwise uncomfortable gifts. Sex toys, as always, are the exception, because they're hilarious.
5. Do not tell anyone who you got. It's SECRET Santa.
6. Gifts must be under the tree in reception (21st floor, not the 22nd) by 12:00 noon on Friday, December 18th.
7. Don't be a dick.
8. NO GIFT CARDS.
Sign up below by Friday. You will be e-mailed your giftee by Sunday. That gives you one week to come up with a gift.
Have at it.
|
|
|
[06 Dec 2009|04:05pm] |
I did some holiday shopping today, and let me tell you, there were way too many people at the mall this morning. I more or less hate Christmas shopping (because I hate Christmas), but I think I am almost done. I have everything for my European family, anyway, and since I have to mail everything in the next week or so in order for it to get there by January 7th for Christmas, I am glad to be finished that arduous task.
Otherwise, I've been totally boring. I finished reading Sarah Palin's memoir yesterday, and after I wiped the tears of laughter from my eyes, I have to give it to her: the delusion she lives in is really well-crafted and almost touches the realm of plausibility. Almost. I really hope she runs for President in 2012. She makes American politics fun for me. Otherwise, I'm mostly bored.
In other news, I won't be going to the holiday party this year. I know, try to hide your tears of sadness, but I have better and more important things to do. Like drink vegan eggnog with my hopeful-no-longer-pregnant girlfriend while we watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas.
|
|
|
[06 Dec 2009|01:57pm] |
When I got Julian's e-mail this morning, I put on my formal Holiday dress from last year, thinking I could wear it again, and it won't zip. It WON'T ZIP. Micah's right. I am a fatty. Fatty McFatterston.
When I got Julian's e-mail this morning, I realized I now need to go formal dress shopping. And get a new pair of shoes, because, well, what's the point of getting a shiny new dress without shiny new shoes?
Is cocktail-length appropriate, J? Or should I be looking for something full-length? I think I'll get a poofy one, so I can pretend I'm at my prom all over again. And a tiara. Tiaras are still cool, right? Maybe I can beg Theo to come shopping with me. I trust his eye.
Does anyone else already know what their 'Snazziest Formal Attire' will be?
Now. I need to go run 5 miles. Excuse me.
|
|
| E-mail to All Employees (#2) |
[06 Dec 2009|01:15pm] |
To: All Spent Employees
From: Julian Evans
Subject: INFORMATION ON THE SPENT HOLIDAY PARTY SUMMARIZED FOR LAZY PEOPLE (JACOB!)
( Body )
|
|
|
[06 Dec 2009|12:03pm] |
Oh, yay. We're having another holiday party. And this isn't sarcasm, though it might be taken as such. I've always enjoyed the holiday parties and, well, most of the parties that are thrown. What with the departure of Lena, it's been a while since we've had a proper one. Of course, from looking over the details in the lengthy email Julian sent, I think he's done a splendid job himself. Assuming he did it all on his own. As for the dress code, I might be the only one who appreciates a good formal event now and then. My poor dress suit has been gathering dust in the closet for so long now. Not really. It's been moved since the last time I wore it; no dust. I don't think you could convince me to wear a tux this year either, as tempting as it is.
|
|
|
[05 Dec 2009|10:55pm] |
This female reader of mine (I know! Apparently they exist) is contacting me for advice. She's telling me that she cannot stand the expression on her boyfriend's face when he climaxes, and that it always puts her off. I think I'm going to tell her to try taking it from behind or start closing her eyes. In more sensitive language, of course.
Have any of you ever been in that situation? It seems very unusual to me.
|
|
| E-mail to All Employees |
[05 Dec 2009|06:45pm] |
To: All Spent Employees
From: Julian Evans
Subject: INFORMATION ON THE SPENT HOLIDAY PARTY – PLEASE READ.
( Body of E-mail )
|
|
|
[02 Dec 2009|02:15pm] |
The dreary weather isn't getting me down. In fact, quite the opposite, it's making me feel rather nostalgic and excited for the Holidays. My brother is picking me up, and we're going to get a Christmas tree after work. I've been accumulating lights, ornaments, and various other things to hang on it for months. We found an angel to put on top of it - but it looked more like a Barbie in a shiney, fluffy white dress, and I didn't fancy wanting an angel atop my tree that looked like myself.
I'm hoping we get to setting it up tonight, while watching Muppet Christmas Carol. Because, really, it's not the Holidays unless you're marvelling at the unlikely relationship of a pig and a frog, is it?
It'll be the first time I've ever hosted Christmas, which is probably why I'm so much more excited than I usually am. This is the first time - yeah, the FIRST TIME - in my adult life that I've had a Christmas tree set up in my own residence. Now, can I get another big, strong man to help me hang everything?
Shopping for my list has proven a bit of a challenge, though... I got my nieces and nephews done on Friday, and they're really the most important ones to please. I love how children look when they open presents they really love.
Okay. That's enough cheese for one day.
|
|
|
[01 Dec 2009|06:56pm] |
My Thanksgiving was very nice, thanks for asking. Very relaxing. And I don't think I put on any much weight. So, all in all, not a bad holiday. Of course now, with December officially upon us, I've got Christmas to look forward to. What joys and surprises will it bring? Who knows.
I was going to post some odd news like I usually do. But it's horribly lacking today. Too many serious things going on, I'm afraid. Which I won't get into since I'm sure you'll hear about it on the news or in the paper. Or in one of the columns in the news section of our next issue.
|
|
|
[30 Nov 2009|07:32pm] |
I.... don't feel like doing this right now. Here's some random information, in list form:
♦ My kid has started speaking actual words. Sort of. She knows "dada", "Wee-wee" (which is William's name, ahahaha), and "kitty", along with some others. She's still babbling, of course, which is hilarious. I love babies. They just sit there and have nonsensical conversations with themselves.
♦ I'm flying out to California for Christmas. Shocking. I haven't spent Christmas with my family in years. My mom actually thought I was playing a joke on her when I told her I was coming.
♦ I'm thinking of going back to school. I want a Ph.D. in psychology. Why? Well, because I'd like to psychoanalyze people and reference Freud and have my psychobabble be relevant. Because I'm a doctor.
♦ Someone named Jared apparently wants to fuck me. I'm still unsure whether or not I'm flattered by this.
♦ Just for the record, I am not a fan of Twilight. I think RPattz is disgusting and I only know about the books from word of mouth, hilarious reviews, and ONTD. I might listen to Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift, by my teen-aged girl associations end there.
♦ I like diamonds.
|
|
| Another 'feminist' post. I wish Tag was around. |
[30 Nov 2009|08:54pm] |
Oh my God. They're making vagina mints now. See: http://www.lovetolinger.com/
The funniest part? The website contains this warning:
**This product is for novelty use only and is not recommended for
women prone to yeast or other types of infections.**
So basically, these mints will give you yeast infections because you shouldn't be sticking sugar in your vagina. A+ product. Make women feel ashamed of their vaginas and give them nasty yeast infections at the same time. I am proud.
|
|
|
[29 Nov 2009|10:29pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
homebird - foy vance |
] |
I should've gone back to Seattle for Thanksgiving. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20. I'm going back for Christmas, which should be more fun than I can possibly stand. I called Lena up on Thursday. Last year I spent the holiday with her crazy family in Jersey. I was invited again this year, but I didn't feel like doing the whole crazy Cuban thing this year. Besides, I went out with one of her brothers a few times and forgot to call him back. That would've been awkward.
I stayed home and made myself dinner. I bought a couple of those tofurky feast things. They weren't horrible, though I like real turkey better. I also made six pumpkin pies. I'm sending a couple to a friend. I'm pretty sure I can send pie via FedEx. I hope so. It would be pretty messed up if it was mistaken for some sort of bomb. I like my prison free lifestyle.
I'm grasping for straws as to what to update about. So I'm going to swipe one of the HR questions that have been floating around. Why they put this one in the list, I'll never know. I wonder if they think a bunch of teenage girls work here. Then again, maybe they're not too far off. Slumber party anyone?
"Have you seen New Moon? If so, how do you think it compared to the book? Was it better or worse than Twilight?"
I saw the first twenty-five minutes of the film. I downloaded it, but then decided to watch The Proposal instead. Betty White is better than sparkly vampires anyway. I don't care if that Taylor kid is ripped or not. Rogert Ebert's review of the film cracked me up, though. I love him. Here is his review for Twilight, too.
Thanks, HR, for that little gem.
|
|
|
[29 Nov 2009|05:50pm] |
Oh, thank god. I knew I needed to update my work journal, and thankfully, HR courteously sent us our stupid questions. Yay!
So, I shall have at it:
"Have you seen New Moon? If so, how do you think it compared to the book? Was it better or worse than Twilight?"
The entire Twilight 'Saga' is misogynist, woman hating drivel about an emotionally retarded teenage girl and the boys who emotionally abuse her.
That said, so much better than Twilight! I hate Robert Pattinson's foot face.
"Is there anything you always wanted to tell your partner, but were afraid to bring up out of fear of conflict or hurt feelings? Do you think you'll ever have the courage to confront the issue?"
Yes. I am afraid James will never know about his personal hygiene issues, as I will never be brave enough to tell him. Should I say it with a gift basket of body wash and shampoo?
All banal questions aside, Thanksgiving was really lovely! We had too much food, and my mom, Em and I spent too much money on Friday, but I got new shoes, and I'm really thankful for them. They make me feel tall. I will wear them to the Christmas party! Speaking of which, when is the Christmas party? I need to know the theme so I can buy a suitable dress.
|
|
|
[27 Nov 2009|11:27pm] |
Oh my god. I love Black Friday. I got all of my holiday shopping done in six hours. I also got a blue-ray player for a ridiculously low price.
Today, I am thankful for capitalism. Also? Turkey sandwiches.
What are you thankful for, Spent?
|
|
|
[26 Nov 2009|08:11pm] |
|
Thanksgiving is awesome, you guys. I'm back at home in Missouri now, hanging out with the folks. Luckily, my mom's now one of those creepy types that leaves the bedroom just the way I had it when I lived there. The fact that they live in a different house is enough for that, but still, you know what I mean. Mom cooked, and we're all still stuffed from dinner. I think if I tried to eat anything else, I might actually explode. Which would suck, because then who would eat the leftovers? Anyway. Tomorrow I go hunting with Dad, while Mom goes out hunting for bargains. I'd rather fight a deer than fight the crowds at those stores. Either way, we're all going to be out of the house by 4am.
|
|
|
[24 Nov 2009|07:32pm] |
I need to update this, and I am at a loss as to what I should say. I mean, I have no interest in listing my dream human beings from fiction, and the only thing I like less than politics is political punditry. So, it's a tough life.
It is, however, Thanksgiving this week, and I am excited for that. I like anything that involves a good meal and several bottles of wine. I think I might make my own cranberry sauce this year to take to my in-laws, if only because I have never made cranberry sauce and I like trying new things and I found a recipe that involves the liberal usage of Grand Marnier.
Oh, and why is Taylor Swift all over my tv? God, I hate her.
That is all.
|
|
|
[24 Nov 2009|07:09am] |
I forgot what day it was. I didn't realize it was my birthday until my mother called me ten minutes ago. Yes, she still calls at an obscene hour in the morning to recount the entire process of my birth. Yes, it's embarrassing. She's my mother. What can I do? Especially since I told her I wasn't coming home for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year. I don't feel like celebrating the holidays. Yeah, this from the guy who got excited over every holiday known to man. just don't want to deal with the family drama. Or the questions. Or one of my asshole brothers telling me that having my nut chopped off is God's way of telling me that fucking men is wrong. I'm thirty-seven years old. In three years, I'll be forty. Shit.
|
|
|
[24 Nov 2009|02:12am] |
If anyone picks James Bond for the HR question, I'm going to assume that they're flirting with me. I aspire to be like that man. Seriously. I'd love to sleep my way through Bond girls, slap them all on the ass, shoot some bad guys, be a hero, drink some martinis and always look sharp. What a dream lifestyle.
On another note, I'm doing an article on the Mile High Club this month. I'm not a member myself, which is so shameful. I've never flown with someone who wanted to squeeze into a bathroom with me and let me put it to her do the nasty. I've read that the lower cabin pressure increases the intensity of orgasms, too. It's almost like you're wasting a flight if you don't have sex, ladies. Remember that the next time you get propositioned.
I have amazing logic, I know. You don't have to tell me.
|
|
|
[23 Nov 2009|06:02pm] |
It's my first day home and I'm already on here. Ahaha. I cannot escape you, Spent.
Which character from any film, television show, or book would you most like to take on a date and why?
If I wasn't with Alek? Elliot Stabler from Law and Order: SVU, definitely. For the following reasons:
1. He has puppy eyes.
2. He has a broad chest and shoulders.
3. He's a passionate person.
4. He's strong, but emotional at the same time. It's endearing.
5. No one would give us any shit during the date, because he's scary.
6. He's a good Catholic boy, so my mother wouldn't make a fuss. Not that I really care when she does, but it seemed like a good thing to put down.
7. Because he's THE CUTEST. That's right. I can even emasculate Stabler.
That was fun. Thank you, HR.
|
|